From the adat merisik (asking for the girl’s hand in marriage ceremony, or more literally ‘spying custom’), meminang (engagement), akad nikah (marriage contract) to bersanding (bridal enthronement), Malay weddings are uniquely represented, rich in customs, processes and procedures.
Towards the end of the year, aptly dubbed the ‘wedding season’, one can see a lot of wedding kenduris (feasts) around. You may be torn in choosing which kenduri to go to as you will be flooded with plenty of invites.
As it coincides with the school holidays, weddings are mostly done around the year end to make it easier for friends and families to attend these joyous occasions.
Malay weddings tend to differ slightly from state to state, though the general arrangements are rather similar.
Adat merisik (“Spying” custom)
The Adat Merisik, which if translated directly means ‘Spying Custom’ is actually an ‘asking’ ceremony. It is traditionally a system in the Malay culture particularly in arranged marriages. In the olden times, the family of a man whose age is right to get married will scout around and then identify the potential brides for him. In modern times however, this Adat is being replaced with the practice where the man would suggest to his family who he wants to get married to. This of course means it could be his girlfriend. Once that is done, the family will embark on the Merisik process.
The Merisik process does not conclude with a formal proposal. It is instead just a ‘getting to know the family’ visit. This means that one or more representative from the man’s family will visit the potential bride’s family for purely ‘investigation’ purposes. This is usually meant for the families to meet up and to get accustomed to each other. As the term suggests, it is purely for investigation so they can start to think further about the possibility of marriage in the near future. If no further progress are made, then the man’s family will probably look at other choices.
Once agreement for the marriage has been reached between the families of the potential bride and the potential bridegroom, preparations for meminang (engagement) take place. Representatives from the young man’s side will once again visit the house of the young woman, following the confirmation of a date and time for such a visit.
On the side of the potential bride, a consensus is obtained regarding the following, among them are – the date and time for the meminang ceremony, the amount of money to be paid by the young man for wang belanja (expenses), details regarding the hantaran (gift) items and others. You may compare the process to football – there’s a “penalty” should one of the parties break the agreement for the marriage. This just goes to show that marriage is serious business.
On the day of the engagement, the young man’s party will bring the items agreed upon. The couple will be represented not by their parents but by other carefully selected persons, often senior relatives.
Here, the date for the akad nikah (wedding ceremony) and various other conditions and requirements will be also confirmed by both parties. Once all such matters have been resolved, the man’s representatives will hand over all the hantaran (gift) items, except for the engagement ring. The ring will be placed on the finger of the potential bride by an elder sister or aunt of the potential bridegroom. The potential bride will be in her chamber while this is all happening.
After a period of engagement comes the all-important solemnisation. In a rush, some people even skip the other steps and just go with this one. The akad nikah involves the bride and groom, the kadi (state-appointed Muslim judge who officiates the ceremony), the wali (the one who gives the girl away in marriage, usually her father), two witnesses, and the (lafaz nikah) marriage vow, which the groom must recite in one breath. More gift trays are exchanged, and unfair as it may seem, the guy will get more than his wife. For example, if he gives her seven trays, she must reciprocate with nine. All this can take place in a mosque or at home, and can even be combined with the engagement and/or bersanding ceremony. Oh, and this time, both of them get rings.
The bersanding day will see the groom arriving with his entourage to the sounds of beating kompang drums and bunga manggar (decorative flower parade). They are welcomed by a shower of beras kunyit (yellow-coloured tumeric rice) and a Silat (Malay martial arts) performance.
In states like Pahang and Johor, the groom has to bargain with the womenfolk of the house before they agree to release his bride. After paying the ‘toll’ (a certain amount of money to let him pass), the groom is then allowed to sit on the pelamin (dais) with his bride.
For those who don’t have a clue on what to do at the menepung tawar (blessing of the couple with rose water and other substances) ceremony, look for a pedestal tray in front of the couple, which contains plates of beras kunyit, bertih (fried rice grains) and rose water, and follow the instructions by the helpful Mak Andam on how to bless the couple with those materials.
